


Bring the Vodka!

by Vilchen



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Don’t copy to another site, Pining, Victor's gay crisis, Vodka, attempted humor, christophe is a good friend, katsudon: victor’s greatest rival, set during episode three
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-09 22:23:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20124805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vilchen/pseuds/Vilchen
Summary: "I’m too sober for this," is the first thing he says when Chris picks up. Minako is busy tending to her other patrons, but she’s still close enough to overhear their conversation, so he switches to French and whines pathetically into his phone while waiting for Christophe to catch on."Mmm, it’s been a while, chéri," Chris drawls. "Fill me in."





	Bring the Vodka!

"Katsudon! That’s my eros!"

Only thirteen years under the tutelage of Yakov Feltsman and Lilia Baranovskaya keeps Victor from banging his head repeatedly against the table. He wouldn’t want to destroy the Katsuki family's property, he reminds himself, and he knows for a fact that he’s much prettier without a bruised forehead.

"Food? What kind of pervert are you?" Yuri looks mildly disgusted and Victor kind of wants to bang his stupid teenage head against the table to stop him from ruining this wildly frustrating but still important as hell development for Yuuri; but again, it’s a nice table and the Katsuki's really shouldn’t worry about getting a knew one in the middle of Victor’s identity crisis. Or gay crisis. His gay identity crisis.

Through some well placed half-sincere praise, both Victor and the table survives the rest of dinner. They’re supposed to be at the rink early tomorrow morning, so both Yuuri and Yuri goes straight to bed afterwards, expecting Victor to do the same.

"Vicchan? Where are you going?" Hiroko asks in clumsy English. Victor pulls his jacket on and pats himself down to make sure he has his phone and wallet on him.

"Hiroko-san! I’m just— uhm, going for a walk," he says, fumbling for the door, "To, uh, clear my mind, yes!"

Hiroko looks oddly at him before she smiles again and pats his cheek. "Take your gloves with you, it’s cold outside."

Victor thanks god for Mama Katsuki's kind soul and escapes out with his phone in hand, already searching through his contacts. It should still be late afternoon in Switzerland, so he hits speed dial and hopes Christophe still has some good wine left.

***

"I’m too sober for this," is the first thing he says when Chris picks up. Minako is busy tending to her other patrons, but she’s still close enough to overhear their conversation, so he switches to French and whines pathetically into his phone while waiting for Christophe to catch on.

"Mmm, it’s been a while, _chéri_," Chris drawls. "Fill me in." Minako lifts an eyebrow at him. Victor mouths _vodka_ and she gives him thumbs up. She probably has experience with distraught foreigners trying to drown their sorrows after a certain Katsuki Yuuri strikes them down swiftly and mercilessly.

"Okay, so I saw that video of him doing my free skate, thought _finally—_becausethat boy sure made me wait—and booked a oneway ticket to Hasetsu. Then I show up in his family's hot springs and offer to be his coach. Naked."

"Sounds foolproof."

"_I_ _know_. But now he’s all skittish! I don’t know if he’s embarrassed or something, but he hasn’t been reacting to me at all! I’ve pulled every trick in the book, but nothing works; I’ve been flexing for a week straight, Chris. A week."

Minako slides him a shot, and he gulps it down just to get rid of the awful taste in his mouth. It works, but his throat burns in protest. Like his love life.

"Oh? I thought he’d be all over you after the banquet. He certainly wasn’t pulling away then."

Victor traces the rim of his glass and bites his lip. "I’m not sure, Chris. He’s not _not _interested, but he barely even looks at me. I’m attractive 24/7 for him, how can he not ravish me?"

A sultry laugh comes from the other line, tugging his lips up in a half-smile. Christophe is a good friend. So is vodka.

"And that’s not even the worst part!" Some of the other patrons eye him curiously, but most have seen him hanging around Yu-Topia and recognize him as the weird foreigner with the good dog. Makkachin is such a good dog.

"I created a short program for him based on sexual love, and his inspiration is pork cutlet bowls. I’m less attractive than _pork_, Chris."

The line goes quiet for a while. "Give me a sec, _chéri_, I’m gonna need something stronger than wine for this."

And so they drink, whine and compare notes on Yuuri's magnificent ass until dawn, when it occurs to Victor that he has two students waiting for him at the rink right about now. Well, Yuri is due a lesson about patience anyways.

***

Bonus:

"So," Minako says a couple days after 'the vodka incident', "Pork cutlet bowls, huh?"

Victor spits out his water and curses himself for not remembering that Minako won a freaking _Benois_ _de_ _la_ _dance_ and lived in France for well over a decade. _Of course she knows French._

**Author's Note:**

> If I turned this into a longfic (lol, nope), the summary would be 'Victor tries to drown his gay crisis in vodka and katsudon. He somehow comes out of it with a silver medalist fiancé, a smol angry son, and the motivation needed to go down in history as the best figure skater and trophy husband the world has ever seen.'
> 
> Thank you for reading and feel free to yell(gently) at me in the comments :)


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